Hmmmm....where do I begin? My boss, the senior pastor of our church...Don is his name...asked the entire senior leadership team to read the first 40 pages of a book. There are six of us, counting Don, on the team, and we are going to read it together and discuss it. I've had the book for about 6 + months now, but have yet to open the cover and peer into it's pages. I find myself buying books because someone tells me that they are really good and then I hope I'll get to them at some point. I have to admit that sometimes it feels really good to say outloud, as someone's talking about a specific book, "oh yes, I have that book." The problem is, there's too much to read already, much less a book about an emotionally healthy church. I'm emotionally healthy, at least I think I am, or all my personalities seem to agree that we're emotionally healthy. So why read a book about it? Got me. I'm just doing what I'm told.
So, here I am watching the oscars on television tonight, and I remember about this book. The "reading assignment" is due tomorrow, and I've got to read it before I walk into our meeting, otherwise, I'll be embarrassed, disrespectful, or whatever other crap we heap upon our selves when we "let someone down" by not doing what they asked us to do. I could write for hours on that last sentence, but I'll save it for another time.
OK, so a few minutes ago I picked up the book and opened the pages to the introduction, or part one. I really thought, "what's this guy got to say to me?" I don't even know his name, even now. Hold on, let me get the book and check. Peter Scazzero. Anyway, I started to read the introduction and literally began to quietly gasp for air as I was trying to pay attention to who was winning what oscar, and who I thought should have won, etc... After the first couple of pages my stomach begins to hurt, or is it my head? Something is huring on my body, and I begin to think that these first few pages of this book have something to do with it. I start thinking that it could be this crappy organic popcorn I just had. But I know it's not. It's this book. It's as if my body knows something that I don't and it is beginning to tell me "I don't like this. Stop now while you're ahead. Don't read anymore of this book. It's dangerous. It's going to uncover some things that you might not be ready for everyone to see or know." However, I can't stop. I'm not sure that I even want to stop.
So what's the big deal you might be asking? I'm not sure yet. I'm going to have to read more. I read through the first 42 pages actually, and stopped. But for right now, it has to do something with being a hypocrite, being emotionally sick, not walking the talk or living what I preach. Dang, I hate it when that happens. Here I am 37 and a pastor, a leader of God's people at a large church, I'm married to the love of my life, have two beautiful and wonderful children, working on a doctorate, traveling around the country speaking and consulting at churches or conferences on what an equipping church and leader looks like...the world is going pretty well for me right now. And then Don asks me to read this book. And I'm not feeling well now. And I'm feeling a bit sucker punched. And someone has punched me in the gut because my stomachs hurting, and I was not expecting it, and the airs been knocked out of me, and I can't breathe. And I'm reading this darn book...did I mention that? And I'm feeling that maybe I'm not as emotionally healthy as I thought I was.
I'm not sure why I wanted to blog about this. It has something to do with transformational leadership, I'm sure. There's something shouting out to me. Something gutteral. It seems that it takes an experience to knock the wind out of your guts so that the truth can be clearly heard. The truth is there, but many times it's hidden under false pretenses. In earlier blogs, I wrote about transformational leadership being about "transformation" of the leader and the follower. Is this a part of my transformation? It's 11:43 pm on Sunday evening, March 5, 2006, and I'm feeling right now that this book will present a defining moment that confronts me with the truth. We read that the truth will set you free, but it's going to hurt like heck while it's doing it. Maybe that's why my stomach hurts, or is it my head?
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